


Live For Me

by everlarkian



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:53:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22607302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everlarkian/pseuds/everlarkian
Summary: Katniss Everdeen has lost everything. Her dad, her best friend and worst, Prim. At the age of 24 with her mom sent to an insane asylum, she just wants to end it all, convinced there's no one left she loves. But not everyone agrees. TRIGGER WARNING suicide attempt
Relationships: Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark
Comments: 24
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the hunger games, this is just for fun!

**Hi guys, this is my first fanfic so it's gonna be bad. I suck at grammar so bear with me! I usually don't write fanfic but this idea came to me and I had to write about it, especially since one of my friends died by suicide last year :( This is serious issue so if you ever feel like someone you know or yourself feels this way. Tell them their worth it and encou** **rage them to get help! And I am by no means an expert but kindness goes a long way! Anyway enough with my rambling.**

**Prologue**

_In the town of Panem a car was speeding down the road. two people sat in the front, a blonde girl and a boy with dark hair and olive skin. It was dark outside, around midnight and the girl looked unhappy._

_" Gale, you really need to stop, your drunk! We can take a cab, this is dangerous." The blonde girl begs. The boys eyebrows furrow, as if he's mad. he's about eighteen and is hopelessly drunk._

_"Primm, itss fineee." The boy is slurring his words. He steps on the gas pedal harder as if trying to break it. The young girl looks back at him begging._

_"Really Gale, Your putting us in danger-"_

_"CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP PRIM!" He screams, half mad. He makes a sharp left, running the red light. BAM! A truck turns from the left out of nowhere, the sound of tires screeching can be just be heard over the huge explosion. the boy doesn't even have time to react as the car burst's into flames._

**Katniss POV**

I'm sitting in my compartment, working on an report due, and glad i'm alone. Ok, it's technically also my sisters too, which I don't mind. Even though it only had one bedroom and we have to share a room, I'm fine with it. Hey, what can I do? I just graduated college with a _ton_ of student debt. At the age of 24 it was my job to keep us afloat financially after our father died. After all, my mother just stares at the ceiling most of the time anyway. And don't get me wrong, I love my sister, but sometimes I just need alone time to reflect. After all, my boss Plutarch Heavensbee wants a full report due on the wolf population at the national park. Plus I bet she's having plenty fun at her senior party with my best friend Gale. Gale and I met one day in the woods, my father had just died and my hunting was the only thing keeping Prim and I alive. I was just around 12 and he was 14. We helped each other keep our families alive in the woods. I would have picked her up, but I was sitting here doing a stupid report so I asked Gale.

Time ticked by and I sighed, my eyelids getting heavier by the minute. The sleep was so inviting and warm, whispering for me to just close my eyes... I jerk my head, _get yourself together, do you want to lose your job?_ One part of my brain scolds, sadly its the rational part. I really need to get this done so I stand to take an shower to clear my head. The warm water cascading down my body, relaxing my muscles and waking me up. Relieved, I got dressed in my pajamas, braid my hair and get ready to get that report done and go to bed. I just sat down when RING!. _shit_ I think. I look pick up my phone, who would be calling at this hour? Whoever it was, I would kill them. When I look down I see they have been calling me for the last 20 minutes! This person really is crazy. 

"Hello?" I ask crankily. This person better have a hell of a good reason for calling me. 

"Is this Miss Katniss Everdeen?" Oh crap, officials, I'm suddenly awake, my gut feeling telling me something is wrong. I gulp, I don't like officials. 

"Uh Yeah." I stutter, what did they want! are they arresting me? I think of everything I might have done wrong, but I didn't commit any crimes, not that I could think of! _what if something happened to Prim,_ No don't think that.

"There was a car accident regarding Mister Gale Hawthorne and Miss Primrose Everdeen. Gale is in critical condition but Primrose Everdeen unfortunately didn't make it. They are at the hospital right now." I hang up. _Shit_ is the only thought I can form as my whole world comes crashing down


	2. Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the Hunger Games or it's characters but hey, they're good books!

** Hello again! I'm glad to see some of you are interested in this story. I was nervous about posting this story because who wants to read something about mental health? I'm glad you guys care because our mental health is just as important as physical. And no, I'm not an expert and this story is mostly for fun, but take care of your mental health! Don't just care about it when you have a problem, address it everyday. And if you ever have a problem  _ please _ talk to someone, even if it's a small one. None of us knew my friend was having problems until it was too late. So talking helps, it reaches out and allows people to help you. Also, how do you folks feel about the prequel coming out? I'm personally kind of skeptical but also excited. let me know!  **

** Katniss POV **

Before I even know whats going on I grabbed my dad's hunting jacket, locked the apartment door and ran down the stairs, banging into walls and rails. People shouted at me, but I didn't give a damn what they thought. I knew there was only one hospital in Panem and my head was already forming a route when I run head-on into Haymitch. Haymitch is the drunkest person in this state, heck maybe even in this world, but I have respect for him, or least an understanding. He had lost his son in the same mine explosion that killed my father, and shortly after his wife. Nevertheless, that didn't make me wanna punch him for blocking my way. 

"whoa whoa whoa sweetheart, the cops after you?" He asks his voice dripping with sarcasm. Who was this man to block me? I try to get around him but he wouldn't budge. Haymitch used to be super athletic and won the wrestling cup but after the accident alcohol had taken a toll on his body. Yet I still couldn't get past him. 

"Move Haymitch before I call the cops on you!" I yell at him. Haymitch studies me for a moment, and I see his eyes flash with something that I can quite identify. I'm about to punch him where it hurts when he steps aside. I sprint, just a bit too early as Haymitch had yet to move his right foot and I crash, definitely bruising my elbows. 

"Slow down sweetheart. And remember to take care of yourself too." Haymitch tells me. I groan, rubbing my sore behind and start running again.

"Go to hell Haymitch, and don't call me sweetheart," I yell behind my shoulder. I turn the corner just in time to hear Haymitch mutter "I'm already there" to himself. 

The hospital is 10 minutes away. The place is huge and the parking lot was full despite the time. I park my Toyota a block away and curse under my breath as I sprint to the door and kick it open. Sterile and cleaner fumes assault my nostrils and bright fake lights. I wrinkle my brows, I never liked hospitals before, and now, I loathe them. 

"Good evening ma'am, how may I help you?" I whip around realizing in my rage, I missed the reception. There's a woman sitting at the desk smiling at me. I know it's fake, she looks like she rather be anywhere but here.

"My name is Katniss Everdeen and I'm here to-" I start but the women cuts me off.

"Ah yes, we've been expecting you. down the hall to the left in room 504." She tells me. She no longer smiles and looks sorry. 

"Thank you, ma'am," I tell her politely and walk down the hall walking, but as soon as I'm out of sight I run. I turn the corner to find room 504. Multiple doctors stand outside in their blue uniforms and masks. Judging by how many there are outside and probably and inside tell me it's not good. I clear my throat

"Umm, I'm Katniss Everdeen." They turn around and stare at me until one of them breaks the silence.

"Ahh yes, Miss Everdeen, how are you doing?" They ask nervously. This annoys me beyond belief. My sister might be dead and they have time to ask me how am I doing?

"Cut the small talk, how is my sister?" I snap at them. They look at each other, and my heart is beating fast, not wanting to know the answer, yet desperately need to know.

"Unfortunately, Primrose Everdeen... Didn't make it, but Mister Hawthorne is in stable condition with only a concussion and broken ribs." They tell me. But I don't care, I feel my heart break into a thousand pieces, falling... falling... falling. Primrose Everdeen, the sweetest most innocent girl imaginable, gone. My sister who never hurt a fly killed. What did she do to deserve that? I croak, not able to form words, my eyes watering, threatening to spill.  _ no, you must not cry, not here, not now.  _ I have to stay strong. but it's so hard, oh so hard.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the Hunger games or and of it's characters, that's a shame.

It has been so long. It feels like an eternity since Prim died. I lay in bed, my world wrapped in pain, I no longer have the will to get up. I drift off between reality and pain that I no longer know what's real and what's not. Sometimes I see Prim, tucking in her blouse for her first day of middle school, and another wave of pain reminds me Prim is gone. Gone somewhere where I couldn't reach her, couldn't protect her. Gone, taking with her a chunk of my heart. This is what my mom must have felt like when dad died. When I was a child, I use to judge her, how could she be so weak? How could she let her own children starve and just stare into space? I now know why. I no longer care about anything. It's as if the world is flying over my head. I lay here, just willing myself to rot. How much easier it would be to just stare into space, and slowly die of hunger. There would be no more pain, no more suffering. My door opens and the crux of my problems walks in, Haymitch. Stupid Haymitch, who couldn't keep himself from wasting away from alcohol but somehow cares enough to make sure I eat and drink. Oh the irony, as I no longer judge Haymitch but envy him. If only I could drown the pain in a world of liquor. Alas, I never had the stomach for alcohol. At first, I resisted, but when Haymitch is sober (rarely) he is pretty smart. He just told me I would starve and become so weak that eventually, he would be able to feed me. Haymitch was right. Sometimes, I had just become too weak to resist. All he had to do was prop me up, and open my mouth. He force-feeds me baby food and clamps his hand over my mouth so I swallow. It's horrific. However, every day he always has a frosted cookie for me. I don't ask him where he got it, it doesn't taste any different. But I no longer resist, it's a waste of energy.

When I take a closer look at Haymitch today, I notice he doesn't Haymitch doesn't have any food. He carries a black dress and some notecards. I'm confused, my brain no longer working. What is Haymitch doing with it? 

"Get up sweetheart, it's funeral day." He tells me. I stare at him. Funeral day? That's supposed to be next week. 

"It's been a week already?" I croak. Days of inactivity, renders my voice almost gone. I stare at the notecards and the dress. 

"Yeah, make sure you don't look like the walking dead and meet me outside in an hour!" He tells me, drops the dress on my bed and leaves. I'm about to go back to sleep when he pokes his head in. 

"Don't sleep! You have an hour and try not to drown in the shower!." He yells. Curse Haymitch, he understands me so well. We're similar in a way, both losing our loved ones. We both think in the same way, survival. At least we use to. I groan and get up, grabbing the dress and boots and head in the bathroom. I stare in the mirror and get a good look at myself. I wince, I look unrecognizable. You can count the ribs on the person staring back, in their now tattered clothing. their dark eyes look like they haven't slept in weeks. The hair looks like a bird's nest, I look rabid, feral. I groan and step into the shower turning it to the hottest setting. It feels so good, clearing my mind a little of the pain as if burning it away. It's warmth cascading down my back, but I don't enjoy it for long. My legs are weak and my head dizzy. I desperately grab on to a handle, clinging on reality. God, Haymitch even predicted this part, as if he has been through it too! Then I remember he had. He also lost everyone he loved. I suddenly urge myself to try harder and let go of the rail. Instantly my head spins but I resist. Slowly, Methodiclly washing my hair. I make a list,  _ now Katniss you have to dry off. Now Katniss you have to dry your hair. Now Katniss you have to put on your dress _ . I mechanically do everything I need, getting dressed, and making my own lines. The ones Haymitch wrote for me are crap. I read, reread them until I'm satisfied. Finally, I walk down the stairs, one step at a time. By the time I reach Haymitch, I'm sweating, exhausted and tired. Haymitch takes a look at me. 

"You improved from walking dead to crap at least." He says. Haymitch, like me, didn't sugarcoat. Another thing I have to add to the evergrowing list of things Haymitch and I have in common. Great. 

"At least I don't have vomit and alcohol on my shirt." I retort trying to sound snappy, but it comes out as a croak. Haymitch puts and hand on my back and leads me to the road.

"Take it easy sweetheart, don't knock yourself out." He pushes me in another direction and I frown. 

"My car is that way," I say, pointing in the general direction of my car. Haymitch barks, half out of humor, half out of exasperation.

"Sweetheart, We don't want you following your sister's footsteps," He tells me. Immediately, my eyes start to water, threatening to spill. Haymitch must have realized he made a mistake and he tells me gently.

"Be strong, don't cry." He tells me. Crap, how does he understand me so well? How does he know I refused to cry all this time? The tears wouldn't come, I wouldn't allow it. 

Haymitch calls a cab and takes us to the Cemetary. I stare out the window, my first glance of the outside world in so long. It's all a blur of pain. The park, where Prim loved to play. The Hospital, where she loved to volunteer. The bakery, where she loved to stare at the cakes. Everything reminds me of Prim, so I stop and make wretching choking noises. The man looks back at me concerned. Haymitch whispers something and he nods. Probably that I'm mentally unstable, but I don't care. When we get there the funeral is small. Not many people are here, and the priest says a bunch of random stuff. But suddenly it's my turn to speak. I freeze, never been good at public speaking. I'm caught, like a deer in a headlight.

"Speak from your heart," Haymitch whispers in my ear. I walk up and start talking

"Prim was the sweetest girl in this world and I loved her with all my heart. She was kind, always looked on the bright side, loved everything, and would never hurt a fly. On the contrary, she always wanted to be a doctor. Once we found an injured cat in the alley, and she had to help it, it's the ugliest thing I ever saw, but she loved it. She would have been a great doctor, would have saved many lives. Instead, her life was cut short. Cut short by recklessness," I glare at Gale, who still has trouble standing because of his ribs. He had to be wheelchaired here. His skin still in grafts, like something out of lab from the burns. I see him as a monster, not my best friend. He lowers his head in shame. Good, I think savagely that will teach him a lesson. "Everday, I see her in the meadows. I see her in the flowers she was named after" I take a deep breath before continuing. "Our lives are not measured in years but are measured in the lives of people we touch around us. And Prim," I choke and take a deep breath "she touched a lot of lives, mine for one. So even though her time was short, I will always cherish the time I had with her. Thank you." I step down and everyone claps. I remember all the time I had with her as I watch them lower the coffin into the grave next to my dad's. Suddenly the pain comes back, blinding my senses. The reality hit's me like I was the one who got crushed by that truck. Prim is gone, lowered into the earth, never coming back. I stumble back into the cab with Haymitch, and finally let my tears fall, no longer able to hold the pain back. And when they fall, they fall hard but I'm not able to control them. I don't think I'll ever be able to control them

* * *

** I know what some of you are thinking. That line was a line Peeta Mellark said was from the movies in catching fire. But I really thought it fit well so please don't kill me! **


	4. Chapter 4

I'm tired, both physically and mentally from the day and all I want to do is go home and sleep. It feels like these days, I don't have enough energy to do anything else. However, Haymitch has other ideas. Cause instead of turning right into our apartment building, we go straight. 

"Sir, where are we going?" I ask the driver. We just past our apartment! Was the driver kidnapping us?

"Relax, we're just going to the hospital," Haymitch tells me. I'm furious now, why does Haymitch decide where I get to Go? 

"Are you out of your mind?" I ask. The  _ last  _ thing I want to do is go to that damned place. Haymitch doesn't answer. I stamp my feet frustratingly, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Haymitch doesn't tell the driver to turn back. 

"Haymitch, I'll... I'll take all your alcohol!" I warn him. Haymitch just looks at me and snorts. 

"Like you could sweetheart," He rolls his eyes at me. I know he is correct, I don't even want to take care of myself. I feel like I no longer have the energy to live and Haymitch has 100's of hiding spots in his apartment. I just slump in my seat, shoulders bent in defeat. I know why he's taking me to the hospital, it's to see Gale, but I don't want to see Gale. When I first heard the news that Gale was drunk while driving. I was furious at him. After they stopped operating on him and it was safe to enter, I had punched him in the face. I would have continued if it wasn't for the doctors who had to drag me out of the room. But now, I'm too tired to care, my fire was snuffed out when that car crashed. I stare out the window,  _ is there anyone out there that cares about me?  _ I think, but there's no need to ask. I know there's no one. Sure, Haymitch cares but he feels like he owes my father. They were best friends. And I certainly don't care about him, everyone I love is dead. To the world, I'm just a little girl, left with no one she loves and no one who loves her. Nobody would notice if I were to disappear _.  _ I shake my head, these are dangerous thoughts,  _ but the world is so cruel,  _ one part of my brain answers. Shut up, I tell myself.

"Didn't say anything." Haymitch answers. Oh shit, I said that out loud. 

"I'm fine Haymitch, just talking to my self," I mumble. Haymitch turns back and looks at me.

"First sign of madness." He tells me.

I'm not mad, I wanna say. But I don't, for the first time, I look at myself from the world's perspective. I don't eat or drink without getting it shoved down my mouth, I cry any second something reminds me of Prim. And now, I'm talking to myself. I realize, from the outside world, I do look crazy. Great now I'm a  _ crazy  _ girl with no one she loves left, no one who loves her. We pull up at the hospital, and Haymitch opens the door.

"Stop wallowing in your self-pity and get up. Go punch Gale for all I care, heard you gave him a nice black eye last time." I know what Haymitch is trying to do. He's trying to anger me, get a reaction, Feed the flames. What he doesn't know is you can't stoke a fire that's out, no matter how much firewood you throw at it. But I don't tell him about my new analogy. I just get up, maybe talking to Gale will help. Haymitch pushes me in. 

"I'm not disabled Haymitch," I yell at him. Several people turn to stare at me. My face burns, add to the list of things that prove I'm a lunatic. 

"We're here to see Gale Hawthorne," Haymitch tells the person. She's the same girl from when I came busting in at midnight. She looks at me with pity, and I get even angrier. I don't need her pity, I don't need anyone. So when she tells us where to go, I stroll briskly with my head held high. Haymitch has to run to keep up. I push the door open with such force it creaks and whacks Haymitch in the nose. 

"SHIT!" He yells but I don't care. Gale who hears all of this jerks his head up in alarm, but when he sees it's me his shoulders relax. 

"Hey Catnip," He says, his hands slightly held in front of him, as if to defend from an attack. I just sit there, not knowing what to say. I just pull a chair and sit there. Neither of us knows what to do. Haymitch comes back with a tissue box, his nose was starting to bleed. When he sees us just sitting there he just shakes his head and mutters something like "Idiots" 

"WELL HAYMITCH HAVE ANY BETTER IDEAS!" I snap at him. He looks taken aback. 

"Jeez sweetheart, trying to get arrested?" He asks me. I curse myself. This makes me look even more crazy, probably because I am. 

"Well for starters, why don't you tell her what happened Gale? The  _ whole  _ truth." He suggests. 

"Umm okay." He fidgets, this clearly makes him uncomfortable. 

"So I just got back from a party to pick up Prim from school. I was drunk, but I thought that wasn't a problem. Prim noticed and she asked me to stop. I got mad that she didn't have faith in my driving and um yeah." I thought it couldn't get worse, I was so wrong. 

"You what?" I whisper. Maybe this isn't real, maybe he's just messing with me.

"Yeah, I did." He says, his head bent in shame. I realize what my best friend was saying. Prim died because of his stupidity AND ego. No NO No, my world suddenly starts spinning again, my heart beating fast. I think I'm gonna faint, I grasp my chair.

"Catnip I'm sorry," He tells me. I can't hear him, I can't hear anybody. I won't think I'm gonna be sick. I get up, stumbling for the bathroom, and hit the wall instead. Gale shoots Haymitch a concerned look and Haymitch just glares at him. 

"I'm gonna take her home." I vaguely hear Haymitch say. I feel someone grab my arm to lead me somewhere. Not real, Not real, Not real I mutter over and over and over. I now know I am crazy. Haymitch calls another cab and I sit down.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ My sister is dead.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ Gale caused it.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ Prim asked him to stop, he didn't.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ I'm still alive.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ These thoughts repeat over and over and over in my head. A desperate loop as I stumble into my apartment and lock the door. I crash onto my bed and curl up in a fetal position.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ Ring! is that my phone?  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ RING!. Definitely my phone. I grab it wanting to silence the person calling when I look at the number. Oh crap, Oh crap. It's my Boss Plutarch Heavansbee. I reluctantly answer and don't even have time to say hello when I hear him screaming.

"KATNISS EVERDEEN, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST WEEK? I HAVE CALLED YOU FOR DAYS, WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD. YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT DEAD. WELL GUESS WHAT? YOUR FIRED!" He screams. I wince, imagining Plutarch's fat face red from hypertension. But what's worst is I lost my job.

"Not real not real not real," I cry rocking back in forth. There is silence on the other end. I start repeating every loop in my head, not caring what Plutarch hears. He's not my boss any more.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ My sister is dead.  _ not real not real, not real.  _ Gale caused it.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ Prim asked him to stop, he didn't.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ I'm still alive.  _ not real, not real. I lost my job. not real, not real, not real.  _

"Miss Everdeen," I can hear his professionalism starting to show cracks. I bet he's not used to crazy employees, well screw him. Screw all of them. 

"Not real not real, not real," I repeat over and over.

"Um well you're fired."  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ My sister is dead.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ Gale caused it.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ Prim asked him to stop, he didn't.  _ not real, not real, not real.  _ I'm still alive.  _ not real, not real, not real. I lost my job. not real, not real, not real.  _ I repeat. 

"Miss Everdeen, um your fired." But I can't hear him. Sometime later Plutarch must have hanged up because it's no longer his voice I hear. 

"Haymitch, just make sure she gets the cookies okay?" I hear someone say outside. It has a familiar ring, but I can't place a finger on who it belongs to. If I weren't so incapacitated i might have cared but I have no use for cookies. 

"Okay boy," I hear Haymitch respond. Silence. This goes on for how long, I don't know but I welcome it with open arms, afraid of when I have to return to reality.


	5. Chapter 5

I sit in bed staring at space. I no longer know what's going on. I don't know when it's night and day nor do I care. I eat, I drink, I go to the toilet and I sleep. Oh and I feel pain, lot's of pain. Haymitch still brings me food but I can tell he's getting frustrated. I know he can't keep doing this. Sooner or later, somethings going to change. I sigh, thinking of how it only took a week and the world could bring you to your knees. I make a list of everything that has happened to me in the past week

prim died

Gale might as well have died

I lost my job

life is hell.

I sigh, tossing and turning, thrashing around in my bed. I get nightmares so often now, about Prim dying over and over and over in my head. It's like going through hell over and over and over, reliving the past week's horror. There's no other way to put it, I'm trapped in my own mind. I don't dare go to sleep, afraid of the nightmares. I only sleep when my body forces me to out of sheer exhaustion. I sigh picking up my cracked phone. The first time I tried using it I remembered my background was a picture of me and Prim. I had thrown it across the room and screamed my head off. Haymitch though I was being mugged. It's 10 o'clock. I put down the phone, going back to staring at the patch of space above me. I feel trapped in a world that no longers need me, like prey in a snare, only I was the prey this time. Plus what am I? Just a burden to the world, to Haymitch who keeps me fed. I'm a useless, crazy girl who is only capable of feeling pain. I just want the pain to end, but every time I drift of to sleep, I'm plunged into another nightmare, another gruesome death for Prim. Why can't I be the ones to die? Everyone tolerates me, but everyone loves Prim. She would be able to move on, live a life, have a job. My whole life revolves around Prim, and yet she's the one to die. I try for the thousandth time to shut down my mind, think about anything but Prim.  _ think about the woods.  _ Prim loved flowers.  _ Think about snares.  _ Prim hated harming animals.  _ SHUT UP STUPID MIND.  _ Prim never yelled. I scream, not caring if Haymitch heard, cursing my mind. Why couldn't I just forget, why? I hear the door open, great Haymitch heard me. I Turn to him, not wanting to see him I mumble

"Go away Haymitch," I say, preparing for a sarcastic retort but there is none. He just keeps on walking toward me and pulls a chair. I wrinkle my nose, he reeks of alcohol, then again, he always reeks of alcohol. 

"Go away Haymitch," I repeat again, hoping this works. it doesn't, he just sits there, it looks like he's at a loss for words. I'm about to tell him to go away again when he sighs.

"Look Katniss, your boss has been calling and heard what happened to you. The landlord is also demanding the rent. I can feed you, but I can't pay for your rent and Plutarch wants to sue." I stare at him not comprehending. 

"They want to move you to a mental hospital," he tells me finally. My room starts to spin and I can feel my breathing speed up. I'm hyperventilating, no not the insane asylum. My mom went there after our father died and I can't go there. Not again, Never again. My head starts to feel lightheaded, I'm breathing so fast but none of the air is reaching my lungs. 

"Woah Woah Woah, deep breaths," Haymitch tells me. My world is spinning out of control but I can control this one meager task. I breathe in from my nose and out from my mouth. 

"When?" I whisper, my voice hoarse. It's almost if I'm losing the ability to speak. 

"Uh, tomorrow," He tells me. I know he bought me some time, but now I have to go. I hate my life, I hate everything about it. Haymitch just hands me a cookie. I look down and see it's a frosted Primrose. I eat it before it could cause me too much pain. I huddle into a fetal position and rock back and forth.  _ not real, not real.  _ These seem to be my favorite words these days as if to trick my brain into thinking that all the pain is not real and just a nightmare. I rock back and forth remembering the time I visited my mom in her insane asylum.

_ Prim and I walked down the dirty halls prim clutching to my arm, crying. I tried to stay brave for her but the sight around us was terrifying. People lay on the floor, hitting invisible friends, walking around or just screaming. I could feel Prim tremble as we walked past row upon row of screaming, crying, crazy people. I so desperately want to close her eyes, it's more of hell than  _ rehabilitation _. But I can't erase these memories so I pull her along as fast as we can until we reach our mom's bed. It's filthy, everything about this place is. She just sits there, her eyes glassed over. Prim runs to her and takes her hand. She cries and tries to talk to her. She doesn't respond. Prim begs and begs, someone nearby hears and spins around to see. I glare at them and slam the door. I just look at Prim begging my mom to come back and I get angry. I walk over and slap my mom in the face.  _

_ "Katniss!" Prim cried out in indignation. I just looked at her and shrugged.  _

_ "What, it didn't do anything, she probably didn't even feel it." It's the truth, but I just wanted to get out of that filthy place. _

Remembering the filthy place I shudder. My time is running out as I stare at the time. It's at 4 am. At 10, I get shipped off to hell. I rather die than go there.  _ die.  _ I bolt up with fear and exhilarating excitement. Death, it was the answer. I start pacing face thinking about all my problems. If I died, I wouldn't have to go to the insane asylum, I wouldn't have to live with the pain, oh the pain. I could end it all, just sink into blackness forever. I smile, Finally, I have my solution. And maybe, just maybe I would be able to see Prim again. If not, At least the pain that was killing me every day would be gone. And what would happen? I was basically already dead to the world, There was no one I loved anymore and No one who loved me. It was the perfect solution, the win-win-win solution. I'm almost manic as I grab a piece of paper and write 

Dear whoever, 

If you are reading this I am sorry. THere's just no spot left in the world for me, only pain. I have no family friends, job or purpose in life. No one loves me so I know all of you will get over it. I'm just so cold so empty, and I can't stand the pain. I'm just a burden of the world, so please don't be mad. I'm not afraid to die, I will welcome it with open arms. I'm already living in hell so what does it matter? Goodbye, I wish you all well.

Finally free,

Katniss Everdeen. 

I Katniss Everdeen, Donate all my possessions and money to Panem National park. 

I put down my pen and leave the note on the desk. The sun is rising and I'm running out of time. But I have an energy I have never felt before, the chance to be free, like a bird set from a cage. I grab my Fathers hunting jacket and as quietly as possible slip out the apartment with my hunters' tread. The day is a crisp one, with not a single cloud in the air. I run for the flower shop before I leave there is something I need to do. I rush and as soon as they open and the owner greets me. She asks me what flowers I want. There are hundreds of different flowers, all beautiful colors but I am just looking for two. I spot them in a corner. Their yellow and white, and compared to the others bland, but they are special, a thousand times more meaningful than the others. I pick them up.

"Are you sure you want those, their kind of... dull." She says. I look at her and I feel the need to explain. Defend these flowers that no one probably buys. 

"Their Primroses... for My sister Prim." I choke tears threatening to fall. "She passed away a week ago." I finish. I can't go on, I can't speak anymore so I just point to the Katniss flowers and point to me. She gets the point. She hugs me and I'm too weak to resist. 

"You can have them, no charge." She tells me. I know this is wrong, it is charity. Everdeen's don't accept charity. I give her back the flowers

"I can't, it's ... charity." I finally finish lamely. She looks at me with pity and just shoves the flowers back in my hand.

"It's not charity, it's kindness." She tells me. Kindness? I look at her in disbelief. There is no Kindness in the world, she must want something in return. I open my mouth to speak when she cuts me off.

"Consider it a debt then, your father owed me." She says, and I know I'm checkmated. I can't refuse cause it's technically a debt paid and I know all about debt. I take them and mumble a thank you before leaving the shop. I head to the Cemetary, theirs not a person in sight. I walk upon the rows of tombstones, people who never will return until I reach my sisters. I kneel, crying for my sister. I know she's under, ceiled in a wooden box, but she might as well be thousands of universes away. I put down the flowers and just cry until my eyes can't cry anymore. I get up, I have a job to do. 

I walk down the road trying to look as normal as possible. I keep my head low and walk silently. I can hear the birds chirp and I waver and stumble a little. Is this the right choice? Then I remember Prim and The pain hits again. I know it is if it will end this neverending pain.  _ But what if the world isn't out to get me.  _ I need to test this theory. If one person asks how my day is, I vow I will stop. That means the world isn't out to get me. I curse my self, giving me a chance to chicken out but it made sense. But as I walk closer and closer to my destination, no one says hi, not a single person. This hardens my resolve, the world is a cold place and I am trapped. But I know just the thing to escape this inescapable trap. I walk onto the Panem bridge. 

The Panem bridge is our biggest bridge, 5000 feet long and 500 feet high. It is a beautiful bridge under the river made of steel. It is also my escape. I look over the edge, and my head spins at the height. A fall from this height would mean death for sure. I look at the sunrise, my last one.  _ come on Katniss, one jump and it will be all over. no pain, no prim just darkness.  _ I take a deep breath, steeling my nerves. I hear a car somewhere honking, but it doesn't bother me. I'm about to dive head in, wanting the pain to end when I feel a pair of strong arms behind me.  _ shit shit shit.  _ I swing around desperately trying to escape, seeing who is preventing me from being free. I turn to punch them in the face and I stare into the bluest eyes I've ever seen and I know I can't punch this person.

Peeta POV.

I wake up terrified after another nightmare. They come so often now, I don't know what to do. They sometimes call it combat stress, but I hate it. I groan and stretch and I get dressed. I look at the clock, I still have thirty minutes before I have to start baking. It's not much but It will do. I put on my clothes and walk downstairs. My dad is already there Kneading dough. He looks up at me. He knows I can't sleep, he just doesn't know why or just how bad it is. How it keeps me paralyzed in my bed. 

"Couldn't sleep?" He asks. I nod as I grab a danish to eat on my walk. Walking helps warm up my prosthetic leg, which is always a good thing.

"Yeah, I'm going to take a walk," I tell him. He knows I like to walk, keeps me on my toes. He nods and goes back to kneading dough. 

"Take all the time you want." He tells me, but I know this is not true. He needs my help so I make an effort to come back before 7. A little late but it's Sunday. I walk down the streets, admiring the nice weather. It's a good day I tell myself. The cool air feels so good compared to the deserts I have been to for the past year. There's a pleasant breeze and a bird chirps. Walking cleared my mind of all the nightmares. I decide to walk in a circle around town. I wave, saying high to the other shops that open early. Some wave back, some don't. I don't mind, spreading happiness is all I need. I know how it feels to be acknowledged. I look down at my watch, 6:50. I should get back. I turn onto Panem bridge on the the way back to the bakery. The sunshine over the river is always the best. I sometimes come to paint. I look around and notice theirs no one around me, wait there is! One the other side is Katniss Everdeen. I sigh, I've loved Katniss Everdeen all my life and was about finally got the nerve to ask her to be friends after my deployment but I hear her sister died. I thought that wasn't the best time so instead, I gave her cookies. Now she is up again, I guess she is feeling better. But I squint, no... something is wrong. SHe's too thin and I see a droop in her shoulders. I know that look, it's one I see in my fellow soldiers before it happened, It's defeat. 

I realize what she's about to do and I run as fast as my leg allows me. It's instinct but I love her too much, I don't care if she hates me. I sprint across the street and almost get run over by a car. It honks and I hear the driver yell 

"Hey! I'm gonna sue you!" I don't give a shit about him. All I care about is Katniss. I see her leg muscles tighten, and I wrap my arms tight around her. I instantly feel her thrash around and kick, but even with one leg, but if I could survive boot camp, this was nothing. I see her turn around and I see the pain in her gray storm eyes. They scare me because the fire has been snuffed out of them. I whisper in her ear, desperate

"Your safe Katniss, No one's going to hurt you. You're not alone, there are people who care about you." I whisper, and I feel her go limp. I hug her tightly and carry her bridal style down to the bakery. People stare at me, I don't give a fuck. They can all stare, heck they could call the police. All I care about is getting Katniss somewhere safe, somewhere she can feel wanted. I vow, that Katniss Everdeen, will be happy again if it's the last thing I do.

**So I was reading my chapters and I made a big mistake. I wrote to Commit suicide, but It's actually died by suicide. Commit makes it sound like a crime, a choice people make. But it's not, they're not thinking straight and they're just looking for a way to end the pain. It's a step to break the stigma on mental health. I went back to change that. And what Katniss did is called a Stop Gap. A lot of people use these to avoid suicides because they just feel alone. So if you see people, say hi! It goes a long way. **


	6. Chapter 6

I lay in the meadow near the woods, the flowers dancing in the wind as the birds sang songs. It was peaceful, so quiet, no pain and I was alone. I sigh in content, staring at the blue sky, watching the clouds go by.

"Katniss, Katniss!" Someone's shouting. I'm angry at them for a moment for disturbing the peace when I realize,  _ I'm Katniss.  _ I sit up and look around for someone and see a girl with blonde hair and an untucked blouse.

"Little duck?" I ask, and suddenly I remember everything, my name, where I'm from and... oh wait, Prim is dead. I stare at her confused.

"Am I... dead?" I ask. I see her laugh and that makes me more confused.

"No Katniss, you're not dead," She tells me. Now I'm even more confused if I'm not dead but Prim is...

"You're not dead?" I ask. Her smile fades and she shakes her head. She seems sad, angry.

"No I'm not, but you almost were," She looks at me accusingly. Oh yeah, I tried to jump off a bridge. 

"Wait, so how am I not dead, I jumped!" I asked trying not to sound too disappointed. I look at her and she sighs.

"you almost jumped, someone saved you. But Katniss, you can't die! You can't go trying to die by suicide every time something happens," She tells me. I look at her trying to remember the reason, and I remember! 

"But the pain," I say trying to defend myself. 

"It's going to be hard, but You'll get help. Just remember, your worth it." Prim tells me and I frown. I'm not worth anything to the world.

"No one loves me anymore, I'm not worth anything," I say and prim just sighs.

"Then live for me Goddammit!" She stomps frustrated. I stare at her in shock. Prim never cursed or like my aunt Effie put it was a "Civilized Human Being" And then there's the small obstacle the Prim is buried in the ground.

"But You're dead," I repeat and frown. 

"Yes but you aren't." she quips back. "Look I might be dead, but your not and let's keep it that way." I'm so sure this is a dream but it feels so real! I frown and pluck a dandelion, and it feels real enough. I blow on it and sure enough, it floats in the wind. But this makes no sense! I saw them lift her coffin into the ground, never to be seen.

I'm talking to you," I ask,

"Yes but our loved ones never leave, their something death cannot touch." She replies. And I stare at her confused. But death is permanent! I never talked to my father like this. I shake my head, I must be going crazy I think. 

"Look I gotta go now, there are people on earth that are looking for you." She replies gently. And I see her glide away, but I don't want to leave. 

"Wait don't g-" But I don't finish cause I'm suddenly in someone's arms and I hear even more voices. At first, I'm alarmed that I'm being carried and want to jump but I can't move!

and I hear a door shut as I try slowly to open my eyes.

"No mom, get out of the way!" I hear someone yell. I'm able to squint now and can make out that I'm carried bridal style. And then I smell it. It smells like heaven and for a minute I think I actually did die. After all, I talked to prim, and It smells so good. 

"I'm not having this Filth in the house and Bakery!" I hear a woman yell. I shudder thinking whatever mess must have been really bad but then I realize she's talking about me. Oh crap. I decided it might be in the best interest of my wellbeing to stay quiet. Then I realize I'm in the bakery so that means... 

"I don't care! It's my bakery in the fall now and I'm a man now. You can't wack me with your rolling pins and expect me to be scared!" I realize the person yelling is the one holding me! Oh crap, this is getting confusing. Then the person carrying me is moving, bringing me up. I'm suddenly panicked, what if they're bringing me to the insane asylum! I start trashing and screaming, not caring if the woman thinks I'm filth. I can't go there. I kick and claw, but I must be weak because they just keep on carrying me until we stop moving and I can see. I'm being gently sat on a bed and I turn to see who kidnapped me. and All I can think is Oh shit. It's Peeta Mellark.

Peeta Mellark and I are not friends. We don't even know each other. In fact, the only time we ever interacted was when I was eleven and he probably forgot already. But I haven't and I know I never will. you don't forget the face of the person who was your last hope. I remember when we were eleven and my dad had just died. It was the bitterest, coldest January anyone had ever seen. The mining company gave us some money that would last long enough for my mom to get a job. Only she didn't, she just sat there. Prim and I begged her to get up to eat to do anything but she didn't. She was lost in a world of sadness and it terrified eleven years old me. But I had tried to be as strong as I could for Prim. So at eleven, I did all the cooking, handled our money and tried to ration it. But eventually, the money ran out. when the money ran out, we had nothing to eat. One day, it had been 3 days since we have eaten and we were desperate. I grabbed Prim's old baby clothe and went to town to see if there was anyone who would trade for it. No one did. And I was oh so tired, but I couldn't go home without food. Not to Prim's sunken cheeks and emaciated body so you could count her ribs. It had started to rain in cold, icy sheets that sapped you of your energy. So I found myself stumbling in the town looking for food. Now stealing is illegal but anything in the trash was fair game. I stumbled to the bakeries trash but it was just empty. That was when the baker's wife started screaming and threatening to call the cops. I had no choice but to sit down by an apple tree. I was too tired anymore, I thought to let them call the cops, even better, let me die in this freezing rain. Then I heard shouting and a clang. I wondered what was going on. And for a moment I thought that women were back and going to report me to the cops. That's when I saw him. A young boy, with blonde hair and blue eyes. I have seen him in school from time to time but never talked to him. in its hands were two loves of burnt bread. without looking he threw them to me and left. I stared at them, picking them up and squeezing them to my chest. It burned, but I welcomed it, for it was life itself. When I came home Prim was ecstatic at the sight of food but I made our mother sit down and eat with us. The next day I wanted to thank him at school but when our eyes connected in the schoolyard and I saw his face with a big nasty bruise, I was too embarrassed. He had gotten it because of me, everyone knew how his mom hit him. I looked down in shame and saw a dandelion. The first of the season and I remembered what my father had taught me. from then on I knew how to feed my family. I had hope, give directly from the baker's son. Know, he had saved my life twice and I hate him for it.

"I'm not dead!" I stare at him accusingly. He couldn't just let me free. He hat to wrap his arms around me, and contain me in this world. 

"I'm sorry." He tells me. I look into his blue eyes, and I knew he wasn't mocking me. He wasn't judging me either. In fact, I saw understanding and something else that I couldn't identify. I blush and look down.

"I'm sorry, you should have let me just died," I mumble. He lifts my chin up and looks me straight in the eye. I swallow.

"I couldn't Katniss. Not now, not ever. Don't ever think like that, it's not worth it, ending your own life. Trust me and promise me to never do it again" I'm too angry to realize he knew my name. How dare he assume he knows what I've been through. Like he can even comprehend and pretend to care. This... this... stupid person. I wanted to hit him, to knock some sense into him.

"you don't know what I feel, you don't know anything about why I did it. You have no-" He gently cuts me off and just looks at me. 

"You feel pain and you just want to get rid of it. Unimaginable pain of losing someone. You feel like the world is a cruel place and it's out to get you. You feel like nothing good happens to you and no one you love is left and no one cares about you. You feel like a burden, useless, crazy." He says gently and I gape. He hit it in a nutshell. How did he know how I felt. I suddenly feel ashamed, because just one second before I wanted to whack him. 

"How did.." I'm at a loss for words.

"I felt like you once to Katniss. I wanted to end it all, the pain, the suffering. I was just another burden to a world that didn't care for me. And sometimes I still have nightmares and I can't tell you the pain gets easier... or time "heals" it. But it does become bearable. You just need some pointing in the right direction." He stares off into space. His blue eyes glassed over like marbles

"But I don't want to live, it's too painful." I cry. I feel him put a hand on my shoulder but I don't care. Living wasn't worth it and now Peeta had to let me live.

"Please Katniss. live for Prim. Live for me, if you don't want to live for yourself" He begs. And I'm at a loss for words. He used the same exact words Prim did. I can almost feel prim smirking at me saying 

_ I told you so.  _ It's like Peeta read my mind and it's like Prim predicted the future And it makes absolutely no sense! Why would Peeta want me to live? He doesn't even know me? What could he gain out of this trade? Suddenly I have a terrifying thought _. _ Oh no, he's gonna send me to the insane asylum, I start to hyperventilate, panicking and I claw at his skin. I can't control myself self and I feel the urge to scream. 

"You can't... can't can't" I cry over and over and over. I start flailing and pummeling him trying to get him to understand. he hugs me tightly effectively stopping me. I try to break free but I'm too weak and he's really strong. 

"Katniss get some rest, and we'll talk later." He tells me gently and I realize I'm tired oh so tired. I lie down but just as I'm about to close my eyes I stop. I need to know.

"You... won't send me to the insane asylum right," I ask desperately. He tucks me in and I sigh. 

"I would never do that to you." I close my eyes and sigh. When He must think I'm asleep cause I feel him gently touches his forehead to mine, and I can almost feel his brain thinking. It means I'm here for you, it means I know what you've been through. It's both relieving and unnerving that Peeta Mellark knows what I've been through and what I'm thinking, even what my dead sister says in my dreams that may or may not be crazy. I want for one crazy moment for him to stay and help me through the darkness when he stands up and says

"I would never harm you," And for the first time in weeks, I feel safe, I feel like maybe  _ just maybe  _ it was possible that someone in this world cares for me. 


End file.
